There was an old lady, she was going to board a plane with her dog in a cage to go to Israel .

The plane attendant says "I am sorry ma'am, you can't bring that dog on the plane it will have to go with the cargo." She tries to explain to the man that the dog won't bark becase...and she is rudely interupted by the attendant saying "I am sorry, no
exceptions."

So she does what he says, and she arives in Israel. The people are unpacking the cargo to find that the dog is dead. They search all over town for an identical dog. after about 3 hours of waiting, the man brings out this women's dog, barking and hollering.

The women says "sir, this isn't my dog." The man goes "of course it is it looks exactly like it."

O'Malley is driving while under the influence and gets into a wreck with none other than his Parrish Priest. So the the Priest is fairly shaken, and O'Malley sits him at the side of the road and procedes to to give his Priest his flask. Before long, the Priest is also under the influence, and remembering his manners, asks O'Malley to join him. O'Malley declines a swig. When the priest asks him why, O'Malley proclaims that he is just going to sit back and wait for the Cops to arrive!

40 Things a Southerner Would Never Say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

A STORY FROM AN ITALIAN WHO WENT TO TUCSON, AZ

Two rednecks are walking down the road when they see a dog licking himself.

In India, it is customary that a girl is a virgin until her first marriage night.

In order to enquire of his fiance's character, a man comes up with a plan.

He takes her for a ride.On the way, he unzips his pants and asks, "Darling, do you wannasee my wee-wee?"

She is embarrassed and replies in the negative.

Again when they are alone, he unzips his pants and asks her,"Honey, do you wanna see my wee-wee?"

She refuses. This goes on for a few more times until the man is convinced of her virginity.

They get married and have their first sexual encounter.The man undresses and takes out his organ.

The wife gets excited, "So this is your wee-wee!"

The husband smiles and says,"Honey, now you may call it a COCK."

You might be a redneck if....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your frontyard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Redneck Jokes   

How did the redneck try to kill a fish?
He tried to drown it in water.

How did the redneck try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

How can you keep a redneck busy?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Why does a redneck keep the door open while taking a bath?
So no one will peek through the keyhole.

Why did the redneck go in the refrigerator?
To see who was turning on the light when opening the refrigerator door.

Why did the redneck stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2hours?
Because it said "concentrate".

Why can't a redneck make ice cubes?
He always forgets the recipe.

Why did 18 rednecks go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Redneck #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Redneck #2: "No, who wrote it?"

HEIDI -- noun.  Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida.  Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. 
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb.  1. a battle or combat.  2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun.  Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. 
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." 

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" 

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" 

1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

3. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass

4. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

5. What is the new O.J. web site address?
Slash.slash.backslash.escape

6. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

7.What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
Decaffeinated

8.What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

9.How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.

10.Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.

11.You might be a redneck if...
you think Spread Eagle is an extinct bird

12.You might be a redneck if...
you think a a menstrual cycle has three wheels

13.In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found ... Gay or straight ... they all want blow-jobs

14.Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air. The other hooker looked at her and said, No, I just burped.

15.Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name "

16.Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

A polish man was talking to an American man....

Polish Man: Eventhough your country got a man on the moon first, my country is going to get the first man on the Sun!!

American Man: WHAT?? That's insane! Your astronauts will fry to death!! They can't go to the sun!

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my
sink," and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

=====
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

=====
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

=====
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.

=====
A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout What?"

=====
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

=====
Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

=====
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

=====
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

=====
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK, Ummmmmm.....five?"

=====
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

=====
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, "Hurry
over here, my house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "
How do we get there?
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

=====
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18
or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

Two pollocks are talking to each other about not being able to find their car whenever they go to the amusement park. So one of the pollocks decides he is going to solve this problem.

So the next day he goes and rents an elephant and the two pollocks ride into the parking lot of the amusment park. One of them says to the other were are we going to put this elephant at. THe other one says well, there are some trees over there and some shade lets put him there.

So they park the elephant and go into the park to have a good time. After a day of fun they come back out to astonishment. There are now ten elephants standing were they parked theirs. So the two pollocks look at each other and scratch their heads.

Your rich relative invites you over to help take the wheels off his new home.

Your wife has a beer belly and you think she looks good.

when you move your refridgarator there is a patch of dead grass underneath it.

your front porch collapses and kills three of your dogs.

taking a shower means waiting for it to rain.

it requires each of your eight kids to walk a dog so you and your wife can have sex.

You may be a Redneck if:

You go to a family reunion to meet women

Directions to your home include "turn off the paved road"

You can't find your truck, which is on blocks, through the weeds/grass in the yard

You don't know if Bubba is spelled with one or two Bs'

!