Bill Clinton's Clock

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

During Bobby's class the teacher says,"OK, if anyone can answer one question about any President then you can go home early.

" So she begins asking,"Who was the sixteenth President?"

Bobby raises his hand, but a young girl immediately answers,"Abraham Lincoln.", and she goes home.

Then the teacher asks another question,"Who was president in 1987?"

Bobby raising is hand again, but he is ignored once more and another girl answers," Ronald Reagan.

" Now Bobby is mad. Out of anger he says, "Why won't these damn girls keep there mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and asks, "Who said that!?"

A reporter once remarked to George W. Bush: "If you win the Presidential election that will put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Knowing Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS
STATE OF ARKANSAS
BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR

NAME_____________ NICKNAME__________________ C.B. HANDLE_____________
ADDRESS:_______________________________________
DADDY (IF UNKNOWN ATTACH LIST OF THREE SUSPECTS):_____________________
NECK SIZE:____( )LT RED ( )MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED ( )OTHER__________
NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN:____ UPPER:_____
MAKE OF PICKUP:________SIZE OF TIRES:_______________
HOUNDS:__TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( )BEAGLE ( )BLACK AND TAN ( ) OTHER____
LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG:______ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG:________
HOW MANY CARS/MAKES IN FRONT YARD:_________ HOW MANY ON BLOCKS:____
HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ON FRONT PORCH:____BACK PORCH:____
WHEN AND WHERE WAS YOUR LAST ELVIS SIGHTING:_______________
DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS: ( ) YES ( ) NO
DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT BOOTS!!): ( ) YES ( ) NO
ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING (CIRCLE ALL THAT APPLY)
SISTER COUSIN COUSIN'S SISTER AUNT OTHER(EXPLAIN)_____
DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGH MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP: ( ) YES ( ) NO
CAN YOU SPELL YOUR NAME AND ALWAYS SPELL IT RIGHT: ( ) YES ( ) NO
HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH IN A WEEK: ( ) YES ( ) NO
EXPLAIN________________________________________________

MEDICAL INFORMATION

DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO (2) OF THE FOLLOWING:
BODY ORDER ( ) CRABS ( ) BAD BREATH ( ) SCABIES ( ) FLIES ( )
TICKS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) GREEN TEETH ( )
BROWN TEETH ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) ANY TEETH ( )
# OF TEETH MISSING____________

GENERAL INFORMATION

CAN YOU COUNT PAST TEN WITH YOUR SHOES ON: ( ) YES ( ) NO
FAVORITE WEAPON: ( ) TIRE IRON ( ) PICK HANDLE ( )CHAIR LEG
( )SHOTGUN
FAVORITE PASTTIME: ( ) DRINKIN' ( ) COON HUNTIN' ( ) FISHIN' ( )OTHER
TRUCK EQUIPED WITH: ( ) GUN RACK ( ) FUZZBUSTER ( ) 8-TRACK
( ) REBEL FLAG ( ) ROLL BAR ( ) C.B. RADIO ( )BEER CANS
( ) SQUIRREL TAIL
FAVORITE VOCALISTS: ( ) WILLIE NELSON ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) ELVIS
( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN
CAP EMBLEM: ( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) CAT ( )SKOAL ( ) BUDWEISER
( )JACK DANIELS
MEMBERSHIPS: ( ) NRA ( )KKK ( ) 700 CLUB ( ) S.P.O.E.

SIGNED:____________ DATED:__________________

STATE OF ARKANSAS
BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show.

That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood
tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from.

Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of
another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush,
and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

Clinton's Testimony - Dr. Seuss Style

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates.

"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"What sins did you commit while on Earth?" asked St. Peter.

Hillery's fortune

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Plan to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

This day was a horrible day. First, the Pope dies and so does Bill Clinton. But on their way to the new world beyond Earth, something went wrong. Bill Clinton, who was destined to go to hell, mistakenly was sent to heaven. The Pope was accidentally sent to hell in Bill's place.

After a little while, God's most pretigious angels figured that this couldn't be right, so they brought the Pope from out of the depths of hell, and Bill then descended from heaven.

On their way to their actual destinations, the Pope and Bill Clinton meet. The Pope says, "Finally!! All my life, I've waited to meet the Virgin Mary. I can't wait!!"

Jerry Fallwell was seated across the aisle from President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him immediately.

The attendant then asked the Reverend Falwell if he too would like an alcoholic beverage. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be ravaged by a brazen whore than let demon liquor touch these lips!"

Did you hear there's a new bumper sticker that says, "Run, Hilary, run?"

Letter from Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on borrowed money.

5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move
your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land."

5,000 years later FDR said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel for this is the promised land."

This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,