Father O'Malley is laid up with a hangover before the 5:00 mass, so he calls the deacon to him and says, "Deacon Rose, you have to hear confessions. I have a terrible headache and I just can't do it. I'll be alright by mass time, but I just can't sit in that hot confessional.

The deacon reluctantly agrees and Father O'Malley hands him a plastic box with each sin indexed on a card. All he has to do is to hear the sin, look it up in the file, and issue the penance.

First, Bobby enters the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Last week I beat up my sister and stole her doll and wouldn't give it back."

So Deacon Rose flips through the file. Flip. Flip. Flip.

"Beating up Sibling: 10 "Our Fathers"."
"Stealing: 10 "Hail Mary's" and return the stolen object"

So Deacon Rose issues the penance and is feeling pretty good about this whole confession thing.

Then Theresa enters.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I know it's wrong, but the other night I gave my boyfriend a blowjob so I wouldn't have to commit a worse sin."

Flip. Flip. Flip.

No "Blowjob."

Flip. Flip. Flip.

No "Fellatio."

So Deacon Rose quickly ducks out of the confessional and spot Timothy, the alter boy, lighting the candles for mass.

"Quick, Timothy," says Deacon Rose, "What's Father O'Malley usually give for a blowjob?"

"Two Snickers bars, usually, "answers Timothy.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it beworth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says,"Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks along side and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

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3 men wanted to be priests.

They all went together to a church where the head priest wanted to test them to make sure they wouldn't be tempted by women.

So the head priest tied a bell to each man's dick.

Then the head priest made each man walk through a hall of pictures of naked women.

The first man walked through and sure enough DING DING.

The head priest said, "Better luck next time," and waited for the next man.

The next man walked through and halfway in, DING DING.

The last man walked through the hall of pictures without the bell dinging.

A Lesson in Sharing

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

A minister is sitting in the confession booth when an altar boy comes up to him and says, "There's an emergency and we need you right away."

The minister goes up to the janitor who is standing outside and asks him if he would listen to the confessions for him.

The janitor replies, "I'm not religious, I don't know how to do any of that stuff."

The minister says, "It's ok, just listen to what they say and look it up in this book and tell them what it says."

The janitor agrees and sits down.

The first man comes in. "Father, I have sinned."

"What have you done?"

"I have beat my child."

The janitor looks it up in the book, and says, "Three hail Marys."

"Thank you father."

The next man comes in.

"Father I have sinned."

"What have you done?"

"I have performed Oral Sex."

He looks it up. He can't find it under oral, so he looks up sex. It's not there. He gets nervous and says, "One minute." He walks out of the booth and goes over to an altar boy lighting some candles. He asks the boy,

"What does the Father usually give for oral sex?" The boy looks up at him and says,

There were four Catholic mothers who were bragging about their sons

The first mother says, "My son he is a priest. When he walks in a room people go 'Good morning Father.'"

The second mother says, "Oh really? My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people say, 'Hello Grace.'"

The third mother says, "Yeah well, my son is a cardinal. When he walks in a room people say, 'Good morning your imminence.'"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?

A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

One day The Pope and The Queen of England were sitting on a balcony discussing their power over the superior religions.

The Queen then states "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope being skeptical. The Queen then rises and raises her hands in the air and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand.

The Queen the resumed her seat and looked at the Pope to see what he had to top that.

The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then with great confidence said to the Queen, "With a movement of my hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children and their children's children, so forth and so on."

"I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen.

One day there was a alter boy a priest and a bishop.

They were talking about how to split their money with god.

The bishop says I draw a circle and throw the money up in the air. What lands in
the circle I keep and what lands outside the circle god takes. It always lands about half and half.

The priest says I do something similar I draw a line and what lands on the right side
god keeps and what lands on he left side I keep. It always land about half and half.

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."

The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"

Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

One day a woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House

A man is driving down the highway on his way to a fast weekend in Las Vegas when he sees a roadsign which states, "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, 50 miles." He pays the sign little attention and continues to drive. 25 miles later he sees a sign reading "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, 25 miles." He begins to get interested in the validity of the ad and when he sees "Sister Mary of the Conception Whore House, NEXT EXIT" he has to check it out.

The President of Coca-Cola walks into the Vatican city and asks to see the pope.

Once in audience with the pope he says, "Father if i gave you $1 million US would you say next time you lead the prayers at mass, give us this day our daily Coca-cola?."

"No," says the pope "I couldn't possibly do that"

The next day the president comes back and says "I'll pay you two million U.S to say in prayer give us this day our daily Coca-Cola"

The pope says, "No I couldn't poss..."

"Three million" the president inturupts

"No I will not do it"