My three-year-old son, Matt, had a lot of problems with potty training. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of courseI checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." I asked again, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just knew that he must have, cause the smell was getting worse.So, I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "See Mom, it's just gas!!"

While 50 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling.

What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

He said...Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault. I ran out of money.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said...If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said...Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener as well.

He said...You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said...Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

The Interview

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Texas A&M. The company decided
to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire themall, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.

All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.
Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, I shit all over
myself!!!!!"

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal
Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Toy -isms

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hedonism - Screw the rule book! Let's play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no
longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a damn bit of difference.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus
suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck.

He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them.

"Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation.

One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him
he asked, "bowels move?"

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons",where     means a smile and   is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"?
Here goes: 
(_!_)      a regular ass

   (__!__)     a fat ass

   (!)       a tight ass

(_*_)      a sore ass

  {_!_}      a swishy ass

  (_o_)      an ass that's been around

   (_x_)      kiss my ass

  (_X_)      leave my ass alone

   (_zzz_)     a tired ass

  (_o^ ^ o_)    a wise ass

  (_E=mc2_)   a smart ass

   (_-_)     Money coming out of his ass

  (_?_)   Dumb Ass

  ..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
   oo*"           "*o.o*"        "*o.
  .o"                   'o"                 "o
   o                      o                    *o
  o                       o                       'o
   o                         o                        o.
   o                          o                         o
   o                          \o/                       o
  o                         --0--                       o
   o.                         /o\                        o
   o                           o                         o
   o                           o                         o
  o                           o                       oo
   oo                         o                       oo
   oo.                       oo                    oo
   'ooo.                  .oo.                 ooo
   o ""oo,,        ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
   o.         """"""    oo       """""        o
   'o                     oo                     o'
   o                    oo                    o
   'o                     o                    o*
   o                     o                   o
  o                     o                  o
   o                    o                 o
   o                    o                 o
   o                    o                 o
   o                    o                 o
You have just been e-mooned! 

Bob,

You spoke about your son in Taco-Bell.

My Mom loves to tell the following story about me:

This is best read out loud. Beware; you'll be talking daft for a
while afterwards. The following is a telephone exchange between
a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Jewish to odor sunteen?
G: Uh..yes..This is Room 944. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den?...pry, boy, perch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An son toes?
G: What?

RS: San toes. July son toes?
G: I don't think so.

RS: No? Judo won toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo won toes" means.

RS: Toes! Toes!...why judo won toes? Ow bow toss mopping we bother?
G: Toasted english muffin! I've got it! You were saying "toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No..just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy! July son copy? Son tea? Son mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: Wan minnie. Hokay...ass ruin nine porty pore, strangle ache, crease baychem, toss singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye?
G: Whatever you say.

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers? Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh! I tried some of them out and they really work!! hahaha!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ..." When they try to get to the sell,just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway .

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my ! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit-card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat atyour leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't,ask them why not since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ... louder ... louder ... louder ...

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

NEW BUMPER STICKERS

Some of these are pretty cute!!

1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.

2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

7. Hang up and drive.

8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

12. The proctologist called, they found your head.

13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".

15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Automobile acronyms   

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
Backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

GM General Maintenance

GMC Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular LeftoverEquipment

SAAB Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Grow your own dope!
Plant a man.

"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."

"Jesus is coming...
and boy, is he pissed!

Don't laugh.......
your daughter may be in here!!

Neuter Newt.

"BEER ... IT'S NOT JUST
FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!

A woman without a man is
like a fish without a bicycle.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

No Matter Where You Go,
There You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up
Your Honor Student.

Cats Flattened
While You Watch.
I May Be Fat but You're Ugly -
and I Can Lose Weight.

Stamp Out Crime -
Abolish the IRS

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Quit Sniveling.

Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

Kissing a Smoker
is like Licking an Ashtray

Happiness is Coming.

Have You Flogged
Your Crew Today?

Forget the Whales,
Save the Cowboy.

Eat American Lamb.
Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.

I'm From the Government.
I'm Here to Help You.

Blood Sun Earth

Old Skiers Never Die.
They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn't Everything,
But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Disarm Rapists

Commit Random Kindness and
Senseless Acts of Beauty

Happiness is the Ball
in the Fairway.

Have You Hugged
Your Stockbroker Today?

My Karma just ran
over your Dogma.

My Mother was a
Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I brake for Hallucinations.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home

If You Love Jesus Tithe -
Any Fool Can Honk

I'm OK. You're So-So.

Will Rogers Never Met
Howard Cosell.

Smile - Its The Second Best
Thing you can do with Your Lips."

Telling an Old Person He's Useless
Is Abortion on the Other End"