A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, "Take only one apple, God is watching!"

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal."

The first picture the teacher held up was a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children.....it's something your mother calls your father."

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would. At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter.

The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

Test Prayer

Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty,
if I should fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk.

A Student's 23 Psalm Mark as unread

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restores my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grade's sake
Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown
For thou art with me;
My prayers and friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me the answers in the moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding;
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examination;
And I shall not have to dwell in this University........Forever!

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. 

"You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them. 

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana" 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" 

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said. 

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" 

She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. 

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" 

On the last day of school, the kids decided to bring their teacher gifts.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet.

The candy-store owner's daughter brought the teacher a box of candy.

Then the liquor store's owner's son brought a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a bit. She touched a drop of liquid with her finger and tasted it. "is it wine?" she guessed.

"NO" the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked "Champagne?"

The little boysaid "no"...

"I give up," she said, "what is it?"

"A puppy!!" the boy exclaimed.

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says,"

I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me hat you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Oh my god! Definitely!"

Been Out Of College Too Long When...

You know you've been out of college too long when...

- Your potted plants stay alive.

- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

- 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

- You carry an umbrella.

- You watch the Weather Channel.

- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

- Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

- Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho's.

- "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

- You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

There is a class of students waiting for the bell to ring on the last day of school.

They perster thier teacher for them to leave early... but she denies the request.

Finally after much pleading the teacher decides and says, "If you can give me three rhymes I will let you go home."

The first kid puts up his hand and says,"Hi my name is Stan,and I want to go to Japan in my dads van, if I can sometime maybe."

The teachers applauds and says, "Very well."

The next kid puts up his hand,"Hi my name is Dan,and I want to go to Japan with Stan but in my own dad's van, if I can sometime maybe."

The teacher smiles and says that was very clever.

A girl puts her hand up and says,"Hi my name is Aimee,and I want to have a baby, if I can sometime maybe."

The teacher smiles and says, "Very well you can leave."

The class bully is upset he hasn't had a go, and the teacher decides to let him have his say.