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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-08-2001 03:38 PM
Rated G    A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins. 
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Will Kutler
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1506
From: Tucson, AZ, USA
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-08-2001 05:44 PM
Rated pgSo while Bob is raggin' on Texas, I might as well too! This song was written and recorded by The Capitol Steps. Check out their halarious political C.D. Recordings! Sing to Willie Nelson Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be COWBOYS! On a fine lookin' Sunday most people agree it's no big sin
To sit on your butts drinkin' some  while watchin' some pigskin Us Washington Locals don't like Texas Yolkols
They're such a bizzare bunch of guys The question were sayin' while Dallas is playin' is
"Will the Defendant please rise!" Mommas, don't let your babbies grow up to be COWBOYS...
'Cause out on the field they may play pretty well...
But 'tis hard to throw touchdowns while locked in a cell.. Their huddle formation is breakin' probation..
And O.J.s the next one they'l sign Hey, why's the crowd roarin'
Could Dallas be scorin'?
Snortin' the 50 yard line! Oh Bubbas whether the COWBOYS play Redskins' or Niners'
The game gets exciten' when Switzer is boarding jet liners When the game runs out
They'll pull the big guns out
Like COWBOYS who once ruled the earth They could win it this season
Which could be the reason
Next Superbowls at Levenworth!
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 11-01-2002 12:36 PM
Rated PG 
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!" The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in hell did you do that?!"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
[ 11-21-2003, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Paul Mayer ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-08-2002 09:43 AM
Rated G
Minnesota
1. I came, I thawed, I transferred...
2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.
3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.
4. Minnesota-where visitors turn blue with envy.
5. Save a Minnesotan - Eat a mosquito.
6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.
9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a Loon.
10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat.
11. Where the elite meet sleet.
12. Minnesota: Closed for glacier repairs.
13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.
14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it.
15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?
16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder,
Older and Fatter.
17. Many are cold, but few are frozen.
18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!
19. Warning: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route!
20. Minnesota: Theater of sneezes.
21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota, he spends half his life here.
22. Land of 10,000 Petersons.
23. Land of ski and home of the crazed.
24. Minnesota, home of the Mispi - Mispp - Missipsp (Where the
darn river starts!)
25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks!
[ 01-14-2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2002 03:21 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
BAD DRIVERS ARE EVERYWHERE!
How To Tell Where A Driver Is From!
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Waving everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC,
smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on coffee
cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying
makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press,
knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals:
MICHIGAN ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-28-2002 08:03 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30,Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski,Don't Bother
Connecticut:Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes SureAre Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2002 01:53 PM
Rated PG Visitor's Guide To Louisville, Kentucky
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. "It's Loo-vull."
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has
it's own. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way
stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Blue
haired ladies have the right of way at all times.).
3. To find anything it is required that you know where the "Old
Sears Building" is.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, "YOU WILL", be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00, evening rush hour
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", Gene Snyder Freeway",
"I-265", and "State Road 841" are the same road.
7, Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville, the barrels
are moved around during the night to make the next days driving
more exiciting.
8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks,
dogs, barrels,cones, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars,
opposum, raccoons, squirrels, and crows or vultures feeding on the
above items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
side of the road to let them know that it has been accidently
activated.
10. The minimum acceptable speed on the "Gene Snyder Freeway" (see
above) is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. This
is Kentucky's version of NASCAR.
11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
12. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.
14.If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
15. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting, the Kentucky Derby Festival is
going on.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2002 11:57 AM
Rated PG Alaska
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, hedecided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision."Jon, you moron.Our neighbors can see you when you do this,you know."
He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there."
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!" ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-13-2002 07:41 AM
Rated PG ![[Frown]](frown.gif) INTER-STATE
4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 09:22 AM
Rated PG TEXAS SIZE
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered,"Yes ma'am.Ya see,I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill,and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked,"Sir,could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am,I already know what it is.And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out,"Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter,the Texan replied,"From the floor,ma'am?"
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