"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

-Jack Nicholson

A politician is a man who will double cross a bridge when he comes to it.

"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."

---Robert DiNero

"I like women's dresses that are cut to see level."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth."

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

-- Henry Cate VII

"You know that look women get when they want sex?

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.

I feel like that all the time."

"Do you realize that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?"

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.