Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Bring extra. You'll need it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

July 2, 2002 .

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Wednesday July 3, 2002

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of Doug.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

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You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce". You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of Doug.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)