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This topic comprises 2 pages: 1 2
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Author
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Topic: Management
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Brad Miller
Administrator
Posts: 17775
From: Plano, TX (36.2 miles NW of Rockwall)
Registered: May 99
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posted 08-29-2002 03:05 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-07-2003 05:48 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
What does a Project Manager DO?
Project Managers are a fortunate lot, for, as everyone knows, a project manager has nothing to do; that is, except...
To decide what is to be done;
to tell somebody to do it;
to listen to reasons why it should not be done,
why it should be done by somebody else,
or why it should be done in a different way;
and to prepare arguments in rebuttal that shall be convincing and conclusive.
And then:
To follow up to see if the thing has been done;
to discover that it has not been done;
to enquire why it has not been done;
to listen to excuses from the person who did not do it;
and to think up arguments to overcome the excuses.
And then:
To follow up a second time to see if the thing has been done;
to discover that is has been done incorrectly;
to point out how it shall be done;
to conclude that as long as it has been done it might as well be left as it is;
to wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing correctly;
to reflect that in all probability any successor would be just as bad, or worse.
And finally:
To consider how much more simply and better the thing would have been done had he done it himself in the first place;
to reflect satisfactorily that if he had done it himself he would have been able to do it right in 20 minutes and that as things turned out, he himself spent two days trying to find out why it is that it has taken somebody else three weeks to do it wrong.
To realise that such an idea would have a very demoralising effect on the project team, because it would strike at the very foundation of the belief of all employees that a project manager has nothing to do. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-09-2003 08:14 AM
Rated G
Project Management Proverbs
It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
A problem shared is a buck passed.
A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
What you don't know hurts you
There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
What is not on paper has not been said.
A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
The more you plan the luckier you get.
A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get them they don't want them.
Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination.
Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
Metrics are learned men's excuses.
For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
A project gets a year late one day at a time.
If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement
Yours won't be the first to.
Activity is not achievement.
Managing IT people is like herding cats.
If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-09-2003 08:37 AM
Rated G
Top 10 Reasons NOT to Use Project Management
10. Our customers really love us, so they don't care if our products are late and don't work.
9. I know there is a well-developed project management body of knowledge, but I can't find it under this mess on my desk.
8. All our projects are easy, and they don't have cost, schedule, and technical risks anyway.
7. Organising to manage projects isn't compatible with our culture, and the last thing we need around this place is change.
6. We aren't smart enough to implement project management without stifling creativity and offending our technical geniuses.
5. We might have to understand our customers' requirements and document a lot of stuff, and that is such a bother.
4. Project management requires integrity and courage, so they would have to pay me extra.
3. Our bosses won't provide the support needed for project management; they want us to get better results through magic.
2. We'd have to apply project management blindly to all projects regardless of size and complexity, and that would be stupid.
1. We figure it's more profitable to have 50% overruns than to spend 10% on project management to fix them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 12:35 PM
Rated G
Management Rhetoric
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 12:50 PM
Rated G
The Newest Office Lingo
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Touriststheir jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 01:12 PM
Rated G
The Boss & I
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, he's showing initiative.
When I please my boss, I'm kissing up.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
But regardless of all else....
The Boss is always the Boss!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 08:53 PM
Rated G
The Corporate Zodiac
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 09:07 PM
Rated G
Twenty New Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out
of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from
the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember:D
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2003 08:19 AM
Rated G
Multiple Job Openings For Web Designers
Available Immediately Thirty-nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house.
Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill. The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years.
During those years,each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct,we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work.This crew-minded effort,combined with ingenuity and creativity,has helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.
Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego),we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place.In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted.We provide free clothing,Nike tennis shoes,pudding,applesauce and vodka.You must supply your own Phenobarbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth,the purpose of which will become clear.Free haircuts too. No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.ID is required.
Abduction experiences a plus.
We are looking for real team players.
Please send resumes to www.bunchowackos@highersource.com
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