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Author
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Topic: Vulgar Funnies - All "X" Rated -You have been Warned.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-06-2002 12:05 PM
Rated X
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it. Q What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud. Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip. Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard. Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:53 PM
Rated XXX ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied,so he runs back up to his room,and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant,and takes a shit in the pot.Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?" ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:55 PM
Rated X ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.
Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:57 PM
Rated X ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.
He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'
So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.
The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:59 PM
Rated R
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 02:41 PM
Rated XXXX Caroline in The USA
the taste of my vagina
I have only tasted my vagina a few times other than tasting smears of me on someone else's body. This was accomplished by licking my finger; I've never tried to lick my own vagina because I can tell that I couldn't reach it. When I asked for my boy's input as to the flavour of my vagina, he offered that it was "good." Lately he's added that it goes with everything, even recently brushed teeth. Also it goes with margaritas. For details, you are stuck with my description, constructed mostly from other people's vaginas which I have tasted more extensively than my own.
This is still a limited description. My beloved also pointed out that different vaginas have different tastes, which hadn't occured to me for whatever reason. The only excuse I can think of is that my vagina-tastings have been few and far apart.
But, from my small experience, vaginas have both a taste and an aftertaste. Neither of these is easy to describe, as they aren't similar to anything else that I know of (suggestions so far: a penny (for metallicness); a taco; white glue; potato; cedar; armpit; cantaloupe; fish; umami. Variation, yes?).
The taste of a vagina comes mostly from the fluids in it, and is thus stronger inside the vagina itself than in the external parts. The taste is not quite sour, but somewhat astringent, perhaps because the vagina is, after all, acidic. The tartness is mild but the taste can be quite strong. To me, the taste seems "thick," which is my word for the combination of aftertaste and creaminess of some of the vaginal fluids. I am intrigued by the suggestion that the taste of vaginas may include umami, the fifth taste, because I definitely do associate some of the qualities of umami with the taste of a woman. The slippery (non-creamy) fluids that get made when I'm excited don't taste like much as far as I know. I find that the taste of a vagina isn't too related to the smell.
Everyone I've talked to likes the taste, and I don't think that it takes as much "acquiring" as the taste of semen, which is slightly bitter rather than sour.
The aftertaste of my vagina is not acid, but rather composed just of the flavour, which is the part I am having trouble describing. In some ways, to me, it is similar to the aftertaste of raw tomato (an umami flavour!). It does not linger overly long, but it is definitely noticeable.
Tastes of bodily fluids can be altered by what you eat. Asparagus is famous for making ejaculate taste like hot mustard (bad thing), and pineapple is the most recent food I've heard rumoured to make people taste delicious. I want to have a pineapple feast as an experiment. Smoking gives your vulva ashtray breath along with your mouth and fingers and clothes and house etc.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2003 05:46 AM
Rated X
A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "themed party -come as a human emotion."
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has come in despair."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-14-2003 04:54 PM
Rated X
A wife didn't believe her husband was going fishing and camping every weekend with his male friends.
After a terrible arguement,he told her,come and go along.She said,no,with a wife along you ole boys will not have any fun or anything as usual.
He told her to put her hair up,put on a baseball cap and wear his old boots and his old torn crotch,torn knees,raggged coveralls and his felt,plaid shirt.She agreed.
He would call her Ralph,and she would be just one of the boys.
The first night all 15 of them were sitting around the campfire, trying to decide on the night's entertainment.One old boy said, "Lets put up a pot and measure Penises,longest wins."
A drunk sitting acoss from "Ralph" with the torn crotch coveralls, said,"I don't know about penises,but I'll bet everything I own that old Ralph has the longest asshole you've ever seen!!"
[ 01-24-2006, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Steven Privett
Expert Film Handler
Posts: 208
From: Pasadena, TX, USA
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 05-20-2004 04:25 AM
Rated X, (but you know that)
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight." The husband said, "No, not at all." Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?" The husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.
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