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Author Topic: Celebrities Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 08:06 PM                        Rated G Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet. His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?" Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 08:08 PM                        Rated R Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:59 AM                        Rated G Catherine Zeta-Jones was overheard talking on her cell phone: "Yes, Michael, I'll be home shortly. The diapers are in the bathroom cabinet,and the baby's diapers are in the nursery."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 11:55 AM                        Rated PG The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show 12. Too Gross for Comfort 11. Touched by a Wacko 10. The Pedo-Files 9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical Procedures 8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin 7. Father's Nose Mess 6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You? 5. Trading Races 4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!" 3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things 2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire? and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show... 1. The Newlywhite Game  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:22 PM                        Rated G Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew. When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club,Groucho sent the club a telegram. "Since my littleson is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 01:00 PM                        G Baby Blues Jennifer Lopez decides one day that she is sick and tired of how she's perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her fiance of the day that she really is smart. While her fiance is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after he leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her fiance arrives home that evening and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds Jennifer lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that she's not dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that sh was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... (scroll down)... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I like this one ... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated R A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 10:50 AM                        Rated G In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone. While she was ordering,another customer entered the store.She placed her order,turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman. He was in town filming a movie.His blue eyes made her knees buckle.She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding. Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her cone;she turned to go back in. At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was coming out. He said to her,"Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?" Unable to utter a word she nodded yes. "You put it in your purse with your change."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:02 AM                        Rated PG What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle.The host gives one of the two teams a clue,and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker." Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated R The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show 12. Too Gross for Comfort 11. Touched by a Wacko 10. The Pedo-Files 9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical Procedures 8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin 7. Father's Nose Mess 6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You? 5. Trading Races 4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!" 3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things 2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire? and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show... 1. The Newlywhite Game  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 01:00 PM                        Rated G Sonota Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember,if you ever need a helping hand,you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands;one for helping yourself,and the other for helping others.  |  IP: Logged Rob Maar Film Handler Posts: 4 From: Bronx, NY, USA Registered: Feb 2003 posted 03-01-2003 08:49 PM                     Rated PG Did you hear about Michael Jacksons desperate rush to get to the nearest J.C. Penney store? He heard that all boys pants would be half off for the next hour.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 11:05 AM                        Rated G In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven. -- Craig Kilborn  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2003 07:58 PM                        Rated G The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit or ICU of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.  |  IP: Logged

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