my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » The Land Down Under (Page 1)

This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3

Author Topic: The Land Down Under Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:44 PM                        Rated G God's Creation In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day. God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good. IT WAS AUSTRALIA  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 09:17 PM                        Rated G Why you want to be an Aussie! 1. Know your great-grand-dad was murdering scum that no civilised nation on earth wanted. 2. Victoria Bitter. 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket. 5. Tact and sensitivity. 6. Bondi Beach. 7. Other beaches. 8. Liberated attitude towards homosexuals. 9. Being the world champs at Aussie Rules football. 10. Very well mannered and cultured.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:25 AM                        Rated G STANDARD AUSSIE CRICKET RULES Can't Get Out First Ball : Curious rule introduced to give the token unco bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer. Caught Behind : Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut. One Hand, One Bounce : This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce)is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down. No LBW : When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer frame. Six And Out (Then Fetch It) : Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers. ESSENTIAL ITEMS Esky : Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer. Balls : A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some pissed smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence. Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers. Dog : Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that dissapear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards. Rubbish Bin : It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps. Bat : Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, it's usually of 1980's vintage, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status. CODE OF ETHICS Stumps : The game draws to a close when, a) your pissed host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas, b) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it dissapears down the drain, or c) your girlfriend cracks the shits and wants to go home because you "become a bastard" when you hang around with your mates. Flower Damage : Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species. Spilt Beer : Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one while you're at it!" No Running Between Wickets : Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the f#$ck are you supposed to run in thongs? Courtesy Call : Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they're chopping wood. And they can't handle yorkers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G Australia Laws Lawmakers are proposing a new law that will not allow anyone to come closer than 100 meters from a dead whale's carcass. A life sentence is 25 years. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them. You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular. It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath. Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, a modem can't pick up on the first ring. If it does the, ACA permit for your modem is invalid and there's a $12,000 fine. -Telecommunications Act 1991. Taxi cabs are required to carry a bale of hay in the trunk. Bars are required to stable, water and feed the horses of their patrons. The legal age for straight sex is 16, unless the person is in the care/custody of the older person, in which case it is 18.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush,way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity,he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic,dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.He sees a nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did I come here to die?"he asks with a deep sense of resignation and fear. "No," the Aussie nurse replies,"You came here yesterday."  |  IP: Logged David Favel Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 764 From: Ashburton, New Zealand Registered: Feb 2002 posted 01-29-2003 01:50 AM                     Heh Heh Rated PG John Howard is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week." "Shit - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!" "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... Britain?..." "No chance!! The poms will have a field day on this one!" "What about New Zealand?" "Maybe- but we dont want them to know that we are stuck. You call Helen - tell her we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!" The health minister calls Helen, who agrees to help the Aussies out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Canberra - full of boxes. A delighted John rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:- MADE IN NEW ZEALAND SIZE : MEDIUM  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 02:00 PM                        Rated PG A Seven Step Guide For When You've Just Woken Up In The Gutter From A Very Big Night Out' 1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in. 2. Turn left into a side street. 3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart, possibly Perth. 4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley,you are probably in Adelaide,Sydney or Brisbane.If you are in Adelaide,buy up, let's face it - if you're not stoned in Adelaide,there's not a lot else to do.If the drug dealer stabs you,however,you're in Sydney. 5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on the street you began on, you are in Canberra. 6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne. 7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin. Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated PG Gun Control News from Down Under... From: Ed Chenel, a police officer in Australia. Hi Yanks, I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under. It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars. The first year results are now in: Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent, Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent; Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)! In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. (Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!) While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in "successfully ridding Australian society of guns." You won't see this data on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the state Assembly disseminating this information. The Australian experience proves it. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens. Take note Americans, before it's to late!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 11:11 AM                        Rated G Two Aussies were discussing their family trees.The first said, "Too bad you can't choose your ancestors." The other smiled and replied,"Listen Mate, chances are they wouldn't have chosen you either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:37 PM                        Rated G Here are some classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site. 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes. 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. 16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. 17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. 18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:37 PM                        Rated G Simple Soldier When the Australian army goes on exercise,there are times when due to ecological reason,we are not allowed to dig latrines,but must use purpose built covered trenches.Now this is great,but once a day,someone is detailed to drop some petrol in and burn off the effluent and kill the flies. This day it was my turn and when detailed with full instructions on how to drop 5 liters of petrol down the pit and apply a match, I felt up to the task. One trench,with 8 toilets on top,5 liters multiplied by 8 equals two Jerry Cans of petrol 40 liters or 10 gallons.Look in and apply match...result an explosion,which blew the toilets off the trench, emptied the contents of over an area o 200 square meters and blew down the building on top of me. Only hurt myself...well the 200 boys having breakfast about 50 meters away,weren't hurt as such,and the kitchen did have a tent covering it,but I leave it up to your imagination. I spent a week in hospital,mainly with superficial burns, including no hair and the fact that the roof went straight up and came straight down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 11:49 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Bonehead award one goes to two Australian men who, believing that sex starved female prison inmates would be an easy lay because they'd be desperate for a man, broke into Maldon's Tarrengower Prison, an all woman prison, in Australia, hoping to get some action. Prison guards caught them while they were walking the grounds. Now they're really screwed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:10 AM                        Rated PG Michele An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says,"You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,"I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 03:53 PM                        Rated G Becky Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. When the two friends got off the plane - still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots - they wandered into a pub and sat down.The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?" "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied. "Oh," said the Aussie, returning to his table. "So where are they from?" the other locals asked. "Don't know," replied the Aussie."They don't speak English."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:59 PM                        Rated G A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 3 pages: 1  2  3

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.