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Author Topic: Bad Jokes! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 11:22 AM                        Rated G Boo! An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew now is busy winding up the estate.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 11:25 AM                        Rated PG Yuck! Q: Secretary : "May I use your dictaphone?" A: Boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated PG A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says,"Doctor,I think I'm turning into a horse!" The doctor,taken aback,replies,"I'm sure you may have SOME problem,but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse." The woman became more insistent and said,"Doctor,look at my teeth.They're getting bigger and more yellow!" The doctor calmly replied,"Yes,I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit,but I don't think you're turning into a horse." Getting more frustrated,the woman said,"Well,I think I'm getting a mane!Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!" Becoming more concerned,the doctor said,"You're NOT turning into a horse.We'll just shave your neck occasionally." At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder."Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big.I'm developing HOOVES!" The doctor in amazement cried,"Holy cow!I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!" Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said,"And look at this,doctor.My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!" The doctor looked in amazement,then started scribbling on a small piece of paper. The woman asked,"Are you writing me a prescription?" The doctor said,"No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall.Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take shit in the street!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G If you live in a glass house, don't get stoned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 10:05 AM                        Rated G Mr. Humpty, the president of Dumpty, Inc., said: "Spring and Summer were rather slow but I have a feeling I'm in for a big fall"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:29 AM                        Rated G Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:37 AM                        Rated R The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 01:05 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war. You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 06:14 AM                        Rated G Don't Read this Joke ...It's Bad A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Yuck! Shame on Sue Bee Several years ago "The Staten Island Advance" had this headline about a drug case that the Supreme Court was about to review: HIGH COURT TO HEAR DRUG CASE Need I say more?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 09:36 AM                        Rated G popo There's a man trying to cross the street.As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street,but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back,but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now,the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window.The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says,"See,it's not as easy as it looks,is it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 09:51 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished, but he went on. After awhile he was going to cross the street. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came screeching around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And just where were you when I got married?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G VA man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied,"We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards.Why not take one of each?" The man said,"You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the 25th anniversary of my wife's thirty-ninth birthday!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 10:44 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man walked into an office building after parking his car.When he gets on the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might steal them!" Back to the car he runs, and sure enough,when he gets to his car the back window is smashed out. But, when he looks in the back seat, he finds four more sets of bagpipes.  |  IP: Logged

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