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Author
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Topic: Irish Jokes
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 01-02-2004 12:54 PM
Rated G
Irish Prayer…
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irish Shopping…
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've Been Out Drinking Again…
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've Lost Me Luggage…
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Water to Wine…
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Reunion…
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did
you attend?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lost at Sea…
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on
the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had
been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-04-2004 08:21 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky.Since the day he had found that four
leaf clover,everything good seemed to come his way.He had met
the wonderful Rosie,and after a whirlwind romance, they were
married. And now,a year later,he was the proud father of
beautiful twins,a boy and a girl.
At work, the story was the same.He had been promoted and had
received a substantial raise,and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.
Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover.
Everywhere he went,he was certain to be carrying the talisman
in his suit pocket.
One morning, Patty could not find the clover.
He searched the house,but it was not there.In panic,he tried to
recall when he had last seen it.He finally recalled it was in
his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.
He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been
completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover,still in one piece but now
flattened from the dry cleaning.
From that day on,Patty's fortunes changed.Life was good but was no longer perfect.
The little inconveniences were always there.
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over
for dinner.
No,Patty's life had changed.He still carried the amulet,but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough.He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told."You should have known ...One should never press one's luck." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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