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Author Topic: Musical Gunnar Johansson Expert Film Handler Posts: 181 From: Gothenburg, Sweden Registered: Mar 2003 posted 04-08-2004 05:58 AM                        What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!  |  IP: Logged Gunnar Johansson Expert Film Handler Posts: 181 From: Gothenburg, Sweden Registered: Mar 2003 posted 04-08-2004 05:59 AM                        What's a tuba for? 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."  |  IP: Logged Gunnar Johansson Expert Film Handler Posts: 181 From: Gothenburg, Sweden Registered: Mar 2003 posted 04-08-2004 05:59 AM                        What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't  |  IP: Logged Gunnar Johansson Expert Film Handler Posts: 181 From: Gothenburg, Sweden Registered: Mar 2003 posted 04-08-2004 06:00 AM                        How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.  |  IP: Logged Gunnar Johansson Expert Film Handler Posts: 181 From: Gothenburg, Sweden Registered: Mar 2003 posted 04-08-2004 06:00 AM                        What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? On or off.  |  IP: Logged Clint Koch Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1435 From: San Luis Obispo, CA, USA Registered: Feb 2002 posted 04-08-2004 11:32 AM                     Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 09-04-2005 10:35 AM                 It has been 513 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2005 10:35 AM                        Rated PG Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions 12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes" Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses Bass -- The things you run around in softball Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when. Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo Clef -- What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham Cut Time -- Parole Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle" Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor -- A girlfriend Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you Ritard -- There's one in every family Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home Tempo -- Good choice for a used car Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2005 10:37 AM                        Rated G There is a story about a maestro who got so angry at a 2nd violinist he stabbed him with his baton. He was convicted of murder and sentenced to be electrocuted. On the appointed day he was taken to the chair and strapped in. For his last request he asked for a banana. After he ate it, they threw the switch and nothing happened. They took him away while they checked the equipment, and said they would try again tomorrow. The next day, same thing: eat banana, throw switch, nothing happens, check equipment. The 3rd day when he requested the banana the warden refused. They threw the switch, and again nothing happened. The warden was distraught, and the maestro started to laugh. "What's so funny" asked the warden. "You'll never electrocute me" said the maestro defiantly. "And why not" the warden asked. And the reply came, "Because I am a bad conductor"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2005 10:39 AM                        Rated PG And then there was the story about the musician who died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, to take him on his tour of heaven. The musician asked if there was an orchestra in heaven. St. Peter replied "Yes we have the most wonderful orchestra, and there is a seat reserved for you. They will be rehearsing in a few minutes, we can go there right now." When they arrived the musician was overwhelmed, all the greats were there warming up. Pagannini was the concertmaster, Casals was the principal cello, Lizst was preparing to rehearse one of his concertos, and on and on it went. Then there was a hush as the maestro emerged. The musician was surprised that he didn't recognise him. He was expecting one of the greats to be conducting, and instead it was an old man with a grey beard. "Who is our conductor", he asked St. Peter. And Peter replyed,"Oh, that's God,He thinks he's Von Karajan"  |  IP: Logged

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