I'll start...

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM,
an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore
was born.

Maybe after composing myself a bit, I'll be able to think of a funny joke...maybe...

*still sniggling*

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball
deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first
base.

In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the silver gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

"A Dutch veterinarian was summoned recently to treat a cow suffering from this affliction, an agricultural news service reported. He tried a standard remedy, which is to insert a tube carefully up the beast's rear end.

"A satisfying rush of gas followed. With misplaced scientific zeal, the vet, perhaps seeking a source of cheap heat and light, then applied a match. The resulting torch like jet set the barn ablaze. It burned to the ground. The flames spread to the nearby fields, which were consumed.

"The vet was convicted of negligence and fined. The cow remained serene."

-from Remarkabilia, by John Train

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I also keep a jokes page on my website:

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The first couple walks up and St. Peter looks at the man and looks in his book. He says, "You can't come into heaven." The man asks why. St. Peter replies, "You're too greedy! You love money more than anything else. In fact you even maried a woman named Penny!" He sends them away.

The second couple walks up and St. Peter looks at the man and looks in his book. He says, "You can't come into heaven." The man asks why. St. Peter says, "You're a glutton! You love food more than anything else. In fact you even married a woman named Candy!" He sends them away.

Catton, a write-in candidate for President in 1996, is making a second bizarre write-in bid for the White House in 2000. "US Postal employees had been stealing my mail since 1981 -- suppressing my First Amendment rights to raise up a NEW Christian denomination -- so I decided to be a candidate for President," explains Catton. A conscientious objector during the Vietnam War and a supporter of total nuclear disarmament, Catton says he is now the nominee of the unknown "Church of God Party."
Webpage: http://www.bwnow.com/godsparty/

A religious Agnostic who attended junior college, the 64-year-old Gottier initially summed up his qualifications as follows: "I have lived a long time, and I have learned to have very little respect for the people that are the elected U.S. federal government." He describes his other major qualification as: "I have 51 inventions but I do not have enough money to get [even] one patent" -- and lists one of his inventions as "a gravity engine." Gottier has also authored a campaign book entitled Another Candidate for President of the USA, an e-book with "844 ideas for new U.S. federal laws."
Webpage: http://www.vote-smart.org/ce/profile.asp?id=BZZ63385

Grimes bills himself as the "Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union." As for his use of the word "Fascist," Grimes explains he wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome "to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth." Grimes believes that "the psychic is the next great step in the evolution of humankind on this planet." And it gets more weird: as far as a platform, Grimes wants to address "the dilemmas now facing America and the whole of Western civilization: Democracy, Christianity, International Capitalism, Earth Changes, U.F.O.'s, government cover-ups, and others." Citing to Cayce and Nostradamus, Grimes predicts that "the United States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular-shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states." UFOs, psychics, fascism and American states physically falling away into the ocean? Huh? Worth a visit simply for all of the oddball theories espoused here.
Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Chamber/7344/index.htm

Andy -- as he is simply identified throughout his campaign web site -- is waging a rather racy and unusual run for President. Along with links to music and photography interests, Andy's site also gave "shopping" tips to would-be Y2K looters ("Steel garbage cans aren’t just useful for breaking storefront windows, you can also use them to carry away looted goods"). He also recommends an array of rather graphic sex books in the "notebook" section of his site. Among his various campaign slogans: "I'm So F***ing President" and "Putting the 'racy' back in democracy" and "Putting the 'vice' back in service."
webpage: http://www.andy2000.org/

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Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

I didn't put the joke inline since the chemistry terms are highlighted in the html version.

Now here is my idea: Make up a similar story using projection, theatre, and movie terms!

Evans

The cabbie said. "I am" and jumped in the back seat with the nun as soon as he culd pull the cab over to the curb.

When they were done they continued on to the nun's destination. When the nun got out the cabbie said, "Sister, I'm feeling guilty. I'm not single I'm married and and I'm not Catholic I'm Jewish"

Pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, did you know that there is a steering wheel on your crotch?"

Pirate replies back, "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! It's driving me nuts"

ok ok stupid joke #2

Bacon and eggs walk into a restaraunt. the waiter then comes up and says, "I'm sorry sir, we dont serve breakfast here"