posted 11-24-2003 03:50 AM                       

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Wanted: quarries for police dogs

Jon Ferry
The Province

Friday, November 21, 2003

I have to admit I've had a few bad jobs in my time, including being employed to clean out old chicken poop on a farm near Dawson Creek. But yesterday an amazing North Vancouver woman, Joan Klucha, gave me a glimpse of what it's like to do what must surely be the world's worst job -- working as a police dog decoy or "quarry."

Klucha, 39, did so because West Vancouver police are seeking a couple of people like her -- fearless, superbly fit folk willing to work for $8.50 an hour and let themselves be hunted down and chewed on by the likes of Sackett, a German shepherd weighing about 40 kilograms of quivering muscle.

Now, living as I do in doggy Deep Cove (with the scars to prove it), I thought I'd apply for this non-union, minimum-wage position. I just had a couple of reservations after being told that five-year-old Sackett has alligator jaws capable of exerting a force of 500 pounds per square inch.

So I asked West Van police spokesman Sgt. Bob Fontaine why the West Vancouver Police Department is seeking "experienced dog quarries . . . to assist in the continued development and training of the WVPD police dogs."

Fontaine explained: "I know we lost two [quarries] recently." Well, not exactly lost, he added: "One went on to bigger and better things. He decided he didn't want to be dog food, so he went to get an education." And the other? "I am not sure where he went," he said.

Fontaine, in fact, made the job sound so inviting I was almost prepared to ignore my boss's stern warning that, if torn limb from limb, I would not be covered by insurance. ("This is not your Christmas vacation plan," he noted.)

And that's when dog-handler Const. Jeff Newman stepped in to invite me to Ambleside Park to watch him, Sackett and Klucha at work.

Within seconds, Sackett had launched himself at Klucha and clamped his flying jaws onto her raised right arm. He took his time, however, savaging her metal-and-leather arm protector. Finally, Newman told his dog to cease and desist -- which he did, leaving Klucha bent over, gasping for air.

Newman noted there are a few unprotected humans who could take the pain of such a bite. And they're usually "high on cocaine and methamphetamine." Klucha herself admits she's a bit of an adrenaline junkie: "I enjoy the rush and the excitement of being chased, I guess, by a dog."

She insists, though, she's never had one "inappropriate" dog bite. "The injuries that I've had are because of my own fault," she said. They include a torn shoulder and calf, a dislocated hand and twisted ankle. In six years, she's spent eight weeks on crutches.

But, if you think quarries like Klucha have it rough, just imagine what the bad guys feel -- with Sackett tearing into their naked flesh. provletters@png.canwest.com

Voice mail: 604-605-2603.

E-mail: jferry@png.canwest.com
© Copyright 2003 The Province

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posted 11-24-2003 10:01 AM                       

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Assembly line worker in a condom factory?

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posted 11-24-2003 07:26 PM                    

Popular Science magazine recently ran an article on the worst jobs in science. The list contains a few well-known endeavors, but most of the jobs are really on the far side of strange, even if the research has any possibility of value to society down the road.

The top, or, well, bottom-of-the-barrel, job? (I accept no resopnsibility for injury or death resulting from ROTFL )...

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1. FLATUS ODOR JUDGE

Odor judges are common in the research labs of mouthwash companies, where the halitosis-inflicted blow great gusts of breath in their faces to test product efficacy. But Minneapolis gastroenterologist Michael Levitt recently took the job to another level—or, rather, to the other end. Levitt paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odors of other people's farts. (Levitt refuses to divulge the remuneration, but it would seem safe to characterize it thusly: Not enough.) Sixteen healthy subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and insert small plastic collection tubes into their anuses (worst-job runners-up, to be sure). After each "episode of flatulence," Levitt syringed the gas into a discrete container, rigorously maintaining fart integrity. The odor judges then sat down with at least 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. As their faces writhed in agony, they rated just how noxious the smell was. The samples were also chemically analyzed, and—eureka!—Levitt determined definitively the most malodorous component of the human flatus: hydrogen sulfide.

Levitt defends his work against the reflexively dismissive by noting that doctors have never studied flatulence and that smell is a potentially critical medical symptom: "The odors of feces and intestinal gas and breath could all be important markers of gastrointestinal health," he says. Hydrogen sulfide, for instance, is an extremely toxic gas to mammals, potentially playing a role in ulcerative colitis, among other diseases. And so Levitt has dedicated his career to the study of the myriad fragrances produced by the human gut and imprudently ignored by the medical establishment.

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And who says research isn't a gas?

posted 11-24-2003 08:10 PM                       

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Did you ALSO know that before the condom is lubricated and packaged it is stamped with a serial number?

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So you're saying that a particular "session" could be catalogued for later reference by its serial number, eh?

Ummmmm..... Impressive!