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Topic: There's a crazy woman on my front lawn!

Randy Stankey
Film God

Posts: 6539
From: Erie, Pennsylvania
Registered: Jun 99

posted 07-10-2005 11:50 PM

It takes all kinds, I tell ya!

I went out for a drive and was returning home at about quarter to ten this evening. Just as I was pulling in the driveway, this trailer trashy-looking woman comes jogging across my yard yelling at me, "Donnie!?"

"Ummm... Nooo. Can I help you?"

She gives me this story about her car being out of gas and her friend/boyfriend, Donnie, running off. I sized her up and thought she was a little crazy but mostly harmless. What the heck. I decided to be the good samaritain. I told her, "Wait right here. I'll be right back." I came back with a cordless telephone and a phone book. (You think I'm going to let a crazy woman into my house!?)

She doesn't know the name of the guy she had in her car, except his first name was "Donnie". She can't remember the name or phone number of her friend. She starts looking up the name of a Harley Davidson shop in the area, asking me if I knew where it was. (I know the place fairly well.) She starts calling the place. Of course, there's no answer on a Sunday night! She looks up another bike shop. (Cycle City. They sell Yamahas. [thumbsdown]

)

She's barely able to dial the phone much less remember a the name of the place! Finally, she blurts out, "House of Chrome! Yeah! House of Chrome!" (That's a custom bike shop cleeeeeaaan out of the other side of town!) By this time I, think she's just picking numbers out of the phone book. All the while, little by little, she's getting more and more desperate and irate. She calls some friend of hers and talks to her for a minute but they can't (or won't) come pick her up.

Every time a car came by she'd start chasing it down the street, yelling, "Donnie!?"

I aborted the phone thing and started to think about ways to get this crazy bitch out of my yard but not let her wander all over the neighborhood yelling, "Donnie!? Donnie!?", at 10:00 PM on a Sunday night. I was "on the hook" with her because I didn't just give her the brush-off. I thought to my self, "Why! Oh, Why do I have to be such a nice guy all the time!?" But then, again, if I did brush her off, there'd still be a crazy woman running around my yard. Wouldn't there?

I look down in the corner of the garage and spot a half-full container of gasoline. I thought, "Ah-Ha!" I could gas her car up and get her on her way and she'd be out of my hair! I pick up the gas can, take the phone away from her and put it down and say, "Where's your car, lady?"

We ended up walking about 6 or 8 blocks. All the while, she's jabbering incoherrently about how this guy, Donnie, has her money and her credit cards. I'm thinking, "Woo-woo! Crazy lady!" Finally, we get there. It's parked on a dark street, in a driveway in front of some old lady's house. By this time, I don't know what to think anymore.

I tell her, "I'm not touching this car until you can produce the keys and try to start it." She agrees. But, after 5 minutes of digging in her purse and though the glove compartment and everywhere else... No keys. I'm thinking, "This isn't good." I've got an irate, crazy woman on my hands. I'm standing in a stranger's driveway. Porch lights are starting to get turned on. And... I've got a can full of gasoline in my hand!

The owner of the house comes to the door and starts asking, "What's going on?" I carefully come up to the porch and try to tell her what's happeing. We chat for a minute. "Crazy Bitch" is still digging through her purse. Finally, the old lady gave me the best piece of advice I've had all night. CALL THE COPS!
I tell her, I'm giving it one more chance. If it doesn't work, I'm calling the cops. (Cell Phone in my pocket.)

Of course, she couldn't produce the keys so I called the cops. I'm standing there waiting for them to show up. Just then, this OTHER trailer trash-looking woman shows up with a dog on a leash. She walks right up to me and says, "Wanna' pet my dog?" I give the dog a quick pat on the head and TRY to get "Crazy Bitch #2" to go away. No such luck. She goes over to C.B.#1 and starts talking to her. A minute later, both crazy bitches are yelling at me, "Why did you call the cops?!"

I see the cops a few blocks down the street. I start flagging them down. It's cruiser and a SUV. (Mind you, I've still got a can of gas in my hand.) They drive up and C.B.#2 runs down the street and darts around the corner. The cops come over and I tell them the story. C.B.#1 is jabbering away, trying to talk over me. The cops do the "separate-the-suspects" trick so I end up talking to one while she's talking (jibberish) to the other.

I tell the guy my story how, this woman shows up on my lawn and I let her use the phone and how I offered to gas-up her car but she couldn't produce the keys. I said I thought she didn't have all her marbles and I had no other options but to call the police. He takes my name and address and tells me to go home. I do.

On the way home, Crazy Bitch #2 shows up again saying, "Why did you call the cops?!" I said, "She's crazy. She needs more help than I could give her. There's nothing I could do!"

CB#2 says to me, "But she's got a purse full of DRUGS!! She TOLD ME!"

I basically told her to get the fuck away from me or I'd call the cops on her, too! I think she got the message because she disappeared pretty quicky, shouting, "Narc!" over her shoulder. (I just laughed to myself.)

I trudge the 8 blocks back to my house, gas can in hand. I finally get home. I go to put the gas can away where it belongs. I look down near the edge of the driveway, in the grass. What do I find?!

Car keys!

After about 5 minutes of laughing to myeself, I picked up the phone and called the police again. I told the dispatcher who I was and that I'd found "Crazy Bitch's" car keys. He radioed the officer on the scene. The cop drives up to my house about 2 minutes later. I give him the keys. He says, "Thank you.", and goes back toward his cruiser.

Just as he was getting in the car, I said, "I hope she gets home safely, tonight." He replied, "Oh, we're calling a ride for her.", then got in and drove off.

Do you think they looked in her purse? [Wink]